Depraved For God

In the year 2000, I gave up a great paying job and a lot of social esteem to pursue a spiritual path.  I instinctively knew that the path included a vow of poverty for 5 years.  I don’t know why I said 5 years, that was the number that came to me.  I spent my last bit of money on a gold bracelet that I gave to my mother, and told her it would be at least 5 years before I could buy her something beautiful again.  In 2005, nothing has changed. 

Let’s take an inventory of the ironic poverty I dance to—for the record, my feet hurt:  This morning, I was up and out of the apartment I’m squatting in before I had a chance to look in the cupboard.  I had a blessed morning beneath a Willow tree thanking God for my freedom.  I came home at noon, and ate my last instant soup—90% of my daily diet.  I have a few pumpkin seeds left.  Oh, and I have stuff to make coffee—I’m good there.  That’s it.

I sat down and wrote two articles about how much I love life.  Then I meditated and used a self-hypnosis abundance tape.  Later I counted out change from my car and the bottom of my purse, and by miracle I found over $20 in toonies and change.  That disappeared in a loaf of bread-the cheap poisonous kind, peanut butter, carrots and assorted nuts (I didn’t even have enough to buy the soups that fill me.) I opted for the nutrition instead—although I’ll be hungry.  This has been my path for 5 full years as of September this year, with full tummy respites scattered between.  Every time I get one of those miracle phases where there is lots to eat, I feel like I won a Survivor reward challenge! 

I came home feeling quiet and humbled after I almost didn’t have enough to pay for my food with half a dozen people in line there to watch, especially having just completed an article on rejoicing in dark days.  Then I thought, its already Wednesday, I just have to make it until Fri or Mon at worst, then there will be about $100 sitting in my post box from last week’s readings.  My post box is a city away, and after checking my car, I found that I don’t have the gas to get to the money just sitting there waiting.  I have $2.04 left on hand.  My bank is overdrawn $4. 

As I write this I am hungry, but don’t have the heart to eat the food that now has to last me indefinitely.  Do I feel a little sad? Sure, but don’t feel sorry for me.  This was a choice.  Here is the irony: just last month, I was offered

$15, 000 a month to privately give ‘consultations’ to various pharmaceutical and stock companies through this ‘consulting agent’ I met in NY City.  As she put it, “Helping people is no way to make a living.  Aren’t you tired of being poor?” Every fibre of my being cried out ‘Evil! Evil!’  I decided to let her keep her money, and her demons.  A month later, I’m sleeping on a floor, hungry, looking for a free place to set up a tent because that is all I could afford.  I’m amazed at the irony of it all.  A month ago, I was in a mansion dodging paparazzi.  I am amazed at this journey.  I am so fascinated by my path; I can’t get upset for long.  My journey, as hard as it is, is remarkable! My path has so many twists and turns and evolves constantly—no phase like this lasts for long, and truly I know the other side of this will be awesome.  Every dark day I have had, has been followed by an even more beautiful morrow.  I’m all right.

I pulled an angel card earlier asking what angel was here blessing my poverty.  I got The Angel of Spiritual Growth.  This humbling is refining me. 

Again I quote, Rabbi Earl A. Grollman,

“The willingness to build the temple of tomorrow’s

dreams on the grave of yesterday’s bitterness

is the greatest evidence of the unquenchable

spirit that fires the soul of humankind.”

Why do I do it? I was going to do it anyway.  When I was contemplating becoming a nun, I was leaning towards the Mother Teresa nuns that sleep on a floor mat.  The only difference between them and me these days is that I’m not wearing a habit and I’m not opposed to getting laid.  I sit here waiting to assist anyone who calls on me for spiritual assistance.  In order for me to be this good psychically and creatively, I have to vibrate at a very high frequency, one that makes me unable to function by modern capitalist means.  I can’t be this good and work 8 hours a day. I just can’t do both.   I can’t be around that many people.  I couldn’t bear it.  So unless I can find a job that allows me to meditate while I work, among trees with my dog….

From time to time I get bitter, and contemplate quitting and asking for anti-depressants, eating lots of carcass, willing to do anything to stop the visions, and just go back to a ‘normal life.’  Then I see myself overdosing to escape the boredom of that futile existence.  To confirm my knowing that as hard as it is, THIS is the path, I’ll get a call from a client telling me how I changed their life, or helped them heal their family, and I think---how selfish of me to want to give this up! How dare I not be here?  What an honour that God chooses me to serve Him.  How dare I bitch and moan?  Then the dark comes in, telling me ‘a lot of good it helps you.  Great that a few people feel better, but at the end of the day, you have to be hungry and homeless to serve your God.  How fair is that?  You have to suffer to do good.’

It’s not God undervaluing what I do.  God sees all, and in 5 years, God ensured I survived against many odds to do His work.  It is society that keeps me in depravity.  God sees what I am willing to endure to follow Him.  He’s been watching people like me, suffer like me, since the beginning of time. He sees that it is humanity, through evil, that keeps me suffering, trying to pull me off my path.  But I am firmly routed and at the end of my life, whenever God decided to lift me up, I’ll be a diamond shining, no doubt about it.

Daniela Siggia

danielasiggia@yahoo.ca

The Path of Pilgrim

There comes a time in many spiritual seeker’s path to actually give it all up to follow ‘the call.’  As a child, I was mesmerized by the stories of people like Jesus, Gautama and St. Francis of Assisi.  When I read of St. Benedict’s living in a cave, I got jealous.  I wanted a cave.  Back in the day, being a spiritual pilgrim was a noble thing.  In modern times, it is seen as being ‘homeless.’  The idea of living like a hermit fascinated me as a child never the less.

As an adult, I have had a few times in my life now, where like my predecessors, I have let it all go, and trust that day by day, I will be provided for.  The first time, it was a spontaneous decision to fit everything I could into my car and just take off and hope for the best.  It all worked out like a miracle within hours.  It was an amazing experience.  I ended up moving into a candle factory lunchroom, and traded my services as a chandler in exchange for room and board.  As unique and surprisingly cozy as it was, I still felt ‘homeless,’ and not ‘pilgrim’ for God.

Later, after several years successfully living on my own in fully furnished apartments that were all mine, I felt that pull again. I had had a Kundalini experience, and I knew I would never be the same.  A week later, I was sitting on a beach, in a highly attuned state, asking for the next step in my ascension process.  I had with me, a book I had borrowed called ‘The Kundalini Experience.’  I had only flipped through it quickly a month before, and had put it on my ‘must read one day’ list.  I forgot I even had it.  When I was packing for the trip, I ran into it, and thought I’d bring it along to help make sense of my experience.

I meditated while holding the book for some time.  I asked ‘them’ to help lead me to the exact words in this book that I needed for this moment on my life journey.  I opened the book randomly and my eyes fell on the words, in big bold letters, something to the effect of, ‘in order to transcend the spiritual ceiling you have hit, you must get rid of all your possessions, and go into the wilderness in extended seclusion. Alone.  It is your only option left.’  

The opening to do that came less than two weeks later, this time, it was a choice from opportunity, not making the best out of a catastrophe like before.  What a difference! This time I went into it as a volunteer pilgrim, not victim dragged kicking and screaming to refinement.  This time, I was stripping myself, and diving in.  It was a very powerful time in my life that has never left me.

As I say in my book, For The Love of Self, “God will not let you be comfortable, where you are no longer meant to be.”

There is a massive shift, an elevation in consciousness that has been occurring since before the New Year began.  People everywhere are suddenly and spontaneously finding their voice, or calling.  Its like everybody on the planet is getting a personal ‘AHA!’ moment of clarity.  For some, its gratitude and a realization that they already have all they desire, they just didn’t really notice until now.  For others, it’s a realization that they’ve got it all wrong, and need to be doing or being somewhere else, but are so tangled, they don’t know how to get out. 

The band, Sunny Day Real Estate sang: “Will you escape your life, with all the walls you build?  Will you repair your life, with all the holes you fill?  Smother your will, and drain you out of passion.”  How many of you feel passionate about yourselves and your life? Don’t you want to?

Only about 10% are being called to extreme measures of change and letting go.  For most it’s just a change of job or relationship.  Whatever the change, if you ignore it, and continue to carry the burden of not living your higher purpose, things like depression and suicide result.  You feel like life is pointless. Every day is the same.  If you feel this way, its because you are creating that, in one-way or another.  For anybody feeling the pull of leaving it all behind to pursue a dream, especially a spiritual one, read on.  The following is a little tip section on life as a pilgrim as I have experienced it.  I believe the more you know, from other’s experience, in today’s world, not 1800 years ago, the more you can psych yourself up to your own adventure. Again, this path is not for everyone, but when you are called, you are called, and there is no ignoring it.

Be not afraid, it is a beautiful road, beautiful, beautiful!!!

First thing, breathe…learn breathing exercises.  From the moment you decide you are doing this, before you even know how, you will have gut rot anxiety.  Its normal—it doesn’t mean you are making a mistake.  It’s a signal that you are in an intellectual/emotional state.  That’s your body calling for a time out.  These moments require you to be at your spiritual best.  Meditate, meditate, meditate!

Read The Monk Who Sold His Ferrari by Robin Sharma.  It’s a how to book that will get you through it all.  Everything you need to know in a quick and pleasant read! This book is a must for any new spiritual quester!

Flow like water.  Things never quite end up like you think.  If you accept this now, it will save you a ton of anxiety.  Think of your quest as a living organism that morphs constantly.  It ebbs and flows in energy.  Go with the flow.

Psych yourself up to pushing the envelope on your comfort zones.  It is the whole point of you doing this.  Your soul, like a diamond, is being refined to something spectacular.  The buffing may hurt a little, but the end result will be priceless!

For pilgrims in the west, it isn’t about living in a cave.  It’s about living in yourself.  It’s about finding stillness in chaos.  Not being tied to any material responsibility like rent or possessions.  It means not being chained to any entity by money.  That means refusing not being able to ‘be’ because you have a job to go to, because you have a steady income you need.

Being a pilgrim means, simplifying your life enough to not need material chains.  NO EASY TASK…but for many people (about 10%), myself included, it is necessary to embrace that freedom, just to psychologically make room for the evolution occurring in all other areas.  When you are practicing a ‘here and now’ present moment pilgrimage, you are in complete limbo.  Anything could happen, at any time, and you need to be light and mobile enough to take off and pursue whatever opportunity might miraculously fall in your lap.

Spending cash will come from strange, short-term projects that all serve a higher purpose besides providing you cash when needed.  I have done everything from readings, to cat sitting, to insulating an art studio for room and board.  You are always provided for one way or another.  That experience itself, the constant parade of miracles, is worth it all to have.

Nothing happens by coincidence.  Synchronicity is the sign of angels.

All living things you encounter, including people, are for a reason.  They are all teachers and guides.  Be grateful for them all…despite the experience they bring, as its all part of the story you wrote yourself.  Deathbed memories and triumphs.  Every enemy, every obstacle is merely something refining you.  Bless it all, for it is all a blessing!

Types of Pilgrim Cycles and How They Mess With You

How To Get Passed The Crap

Currently walking the pilgrim path myself for almost 8 months now, I have noticed patterns developing.  It’s like phases of development. 

3 day pilgrim:  You don’t stay anywhere for more than 3 days.  That’s when you organize 3-day visits from friend to friend in succession. FUN! It gets old fast though.  

4 day home pilgrim is a little easier but comes with it’s own complications.  I am currently in this cycle.  In this cycle, your life and things are divided in 2 places.  In my case, I spend 4 days with my grandmother in the city, and 4 days with a friend in the country an hour away.  It’s long enough to connect, be cozy yet get things done, yet not feel attached or get on anybodies nerves.  It also allows you some feeling of grounding, although I still feel spread a little thin.

1-month pilgrim:  Is long enough to be cozy, get into a routine and really get into a quest.  It allows you to truly get to know someone, and the mutual learning from each other can result in life changing transformations for both.  A month is also long enough for ego games to perculate and power struggles emerge.  A month is long enough to grow, and then plateau like a bad diet.  This usually happens when one or both parties get too comfortable and forget the purpose was to evolve, not continue the same routine day to day forever. 

Remember: God will not let you be comfortable where you are not mean to be.

This limbo life certainly comes with its share of stress, which I will outline for you.  Rest assured however, that the rewards of the material freedom of not being owned, be it by a bank, employer or landlord, is an experience hard to describe other than to say ‘light and free.’  The trick, is to be in ‘observation mode 24/7.’

An example from my own life:

Just over a month ago, I was blessed to have stayed in a beautiful dancer’s loft in the trendy francophone part of Montreal.   I had the place to myself except for the 3 cats that kept me constant company.  It was magical.  Every afternoon, I took a sunset walk down the never-ending roads and on one such particular stroll, I noticed a very long line of mailboxes, all of them with a hydro bill peeking out the top. 

It suddenly hit me like an epiphany; I didn’t have to pay one of those this month! Or last month, or next month, or the month before last, or the month after next! I am hydro free! They get nothing from me!!!! I remembered how much stress, how much energy I spent on panic over my hydro bill, for years.  Not anymore! I was free from Hydro! They didn’t own 20% of my mental energy anymore.  That was all mine now!!! It truly was a WOO HOO! moment.

On a weekday afternoon, when you are lying on the grass, soaking up the sky, thinking of all your friends that tell you they loathe their jobs, that are at that moment shackled precisely where they hate, you will be filled with overwhelming gratitude that will sometimes make you cry.  You will get moments of a sudden realization of exactly how awesome a day you are having, in silence, alone.  Then you will flash back to how you felt ‘back then’, then you shudder back to the now…birds chirping, no pressure, no schedule.  You are yours. Time is yours. Life is yours.  Mind is yours.  Money (as little as there may be) is yours. For once! Maybe not forever, but for a time, it’s yours!

It is worth all the stress just for the time alone and freedom it affords!

The bummers that go with the pilgrim life:

Let’s face it; if you are going to the extreme of giving up your possessions to pursue a pilgrim life phase, you are not a run of the mill creature.  This is Jesus stuff going on, and you probably resonate at a very high frequency.  That means, you’re very presence would be healing or empowering for others.  People will like having you around, and are anxious to help in your cause, as it is rare to meet someone like you. Without trying, you help heal, as you probably show up exactly when they need you, and so, this energy exchange blesses both. 

As high vibration as you are, remember your humanness.  The universe will keep you humble, and there are a few emotional ego tricks I face as a pilgrim myself.

After a while, it’s easy to start feeling like a court gesture entertaining to earn his keep.  You’ll wear different hats in different places.  Sometimes you play nurse, psychologist, personal guru, maid, or caregiver and assistant.  Everywhere you go something is asked of you…which you cannot complain, because everywhere you are going, you are being provided for.  However, for most people, home is where you go to rest from work, for a pilgrim, home is work. 

It is imperative that you do, in a sense, earn you’re keep.  The arrangement must be mutually fulfilling or it will not work.  However, if healthy boundaries are not kept, it is easy to start to feel ‘owned’ or at ‘the beck and call’ of your keeper.  That feeling is complete dependence and loss of dignity.  This is a hard trap to get out of, avoid it.

It’s easy to get caught up in someone else’s routine and life, and so lose your own.  You spend so much time being teacher and healer; you forget that you too are a student, a seeker.  You came here to evolve.  It’s equivalent to losing out on your own degree, to help someone else get theirs.  Help, but don’t crucify yourself.  Enlightenment requires no victim here.

ROOM AND BOARD PILGRIMS:

‘Room and Board’ pilgrims, effectively ‘move in’ as a tentative semi-maybe a temporary permanent resident. PREPARE. These situations can be a huge gift.  For the first time, you’ll have a sense of home and family.  A lot of good can happen in these situations for everybody.  These tend to be ‘catalyst’ times in the path of everyone in the home. 

After a while, when the boundaries shift from friend to servant, confidant to entangled drama participant, the dreaded ‘eggshell walk’ begins.  These would have to be the darkest moments of my pilgrimage so far.  You are in effect, at the mercy of the person putting a roof over your head.  You can be honest, but never too honest.  You must always know you’re place, and try to be invisible and out of the way.  Your freedom has suddenly become your prison.  The carpet will get pulled out from under you from time to time, usually where you least expect it, and by whom it would hurt the most from.  Its all part of the process.  It’s a lesson in the degree.  Life is an obstacle course to enlightenment.  God is a steep climb—but worth the effort.  It’s like training for the big leagues. 

Sometimes, the path suddenly ends.  Think of it as a detour/a sudden shortcut.  The steeper the climb, the higher you will have transcended by the end of it.  Pray.  Pray. Pray.  Keep putting out love and light and eventually the right person, moment, or miracles drop in your lap.  The higher you resonate, the quicker the solutions appear, so make it part of your daily discipline to monitor and make your resonance your first priority all ways. 

Sometimes you seem to hit a stalemate slump where nothing seems to change.  Do not despair.  In these times, you are cultivating spiritual endurance, stamina and are expressing faith. Change/miracles could happen at any time.  If you walk around with the resonance of a miracle waiting to happen, a miracle eventually will!  When you least expect it, lost in some mundane daily ritual moment, the phone rings, the idea comes, or the person bumps into you, that change your life forever.  Believe me: these moments happen…again and again!!!!!

Look for these moments; follow synchronicity and life will be inspired forever.

There is a cosmic shift that is occurring.  Miracles are being showered upon us all.  It’s available just for the asking.  If you feel trapped, pray for freedom, for all! The way will be made for you through an evolution of perception that will lead you on a never-ending path of miracles.  Remember to pray that it be the highest road, of your highest potential, for your highest good, and the highest good of all, and so shall it be.

Daniela Siggia

Social Commentator, Psychic and

Author of: For The Love of Self

danielasiggia@yahoo.ca